*sigh*
For days now I have been trying to figure out a way to approach the subject of being a Stay at Home Mom to Chris. For days I've been chickening out. Not only do I not know how to bring it up, but I'm pretty sure that he'll say no.
I tried really hard to bring it up tonight at supper. Really hard. I got as far as saying I really felt strongly about not putting Silas into daycare but then I just couldn't spit out the words that I really wanted to say.
I hate this. Why can't I just say what I want to say? Because I think it won't go the way I want it to. And I know that if it doesn't I'm going to be really upset.. really upset.
I just don't want to go back to work. I just don't want to leave Silas with anyone on a daily basis. It may seem stupid, it may seem selfish, it may even seem overbearing or over protective, but it's the truth. I'm his mother. I should be the one to take care of him.
I get really anxious when I think about going back to work. So anxious that I feel sick. Sometimes when I know I'm alone or can't be heard I'll cry over it. I always thought I'd be okay with going back to work, but that was before he was here. I never could have predicted I'd feel so strongly about it but I do.
I feel like he's too young to be in day care. He can't talk. If something were to happen to him - if he were to be abused, left alone or mistreated - he wouldn't be able to tell us.
Not to mention the cost. I work 25 hours a week, by the time I paid for daycare which would be pretty pricy because he's in diapers, I'd have like $200 left each paycheque. Barely enough to cover a couple of bills.
Then there is the option of my mother watching him.. And yeah, at this point this is probably my best and maybe my only option but.. this may sound horrible.. but I feel like she's not good enough to watch him.
I know what will happen if she watches him. I know she won't spend much time interacting with him. He will probably spend a lot of time in front of the television. I'm not okay with this.
I would want her to read to him, play with him, color with him, take him for walks, talk to him, etc. I know she won't do much of this. Not to mention her health isn't the greatest and I don't think she's got the energy or the stamina to run after him once he starts walking.
And that's not just a stab at my mother.. I just don't want to leave him with anyone. I don't think anyone can do the job as good as I can do it. And I also know that no one will do it the way I want it done.
It all just sucks. When I have to go back to work I'll miss out on so much.I have to work 3 weekends a month. There goes family time with our son. Every time we are invited anywhere, say Chris' parents trailer for the day, Chris and Silas will have to go without me. By the time I get off of work at 6:30 and get out there (or even just get home on a normal day or weekend) Silas will be sleeping or about to go to bed for the night.
Add in of course that I also have to work every holiday. I already got denied Christmas off this year and it was the only vacation I asked for. Sigh.
I would only stay home until Silas is in school. Ideally I'd take a nightschool or correspondance course to get the Accounting credit that I'm missing and then get a job as a receptionist somewhere when Silas is gone all day..
I know that deep down these are valid arguments, but ugh. I just feel so sick about this.
I also feel like, is it fair to even ask him for this? Is it fair to ask him to be the sole bread winner for our family until Silas goes to school? Of course if anything were to happen I'd go back to work, but is it enough?
Is it enough if I give up the things that I have to help save us money? I would give up my car.. we could sell it. That would be an extra couple hundred a month extra when you take away insurance & gas.. I would give up the internet (I pay for this, I would give up my cell phone.. I would give up my Sattelite..
I'd give up anything necessary to make this work. But would it be enough to convince him to try?
I just don't know.. I just don't think so. It makes me so sad to think that he'll say no. Maybe he won't. I honestly can't say for sure what he'd do. I don't want to give him the short end of the stick here. He has always been supportive of me no matter what I have done in whatever circumstance. I think it's just my fear talking. He's definately full of suprises and always has been..
I just need the courage and I can't seem to find it. :( I guess I have until the end of October to bring it up. Maybe before then I can gain some guts.
But for tonight, my attempt was a big, fat, FAIL. :(
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You are not alone in this. I know how you feel 100%. I've been there too. My DH would always make comments about how "Women just find a man to take care of them so they can quit their job and have babies." That was never my intention at all. I love my job. I love what I do, it's such a rewarding thing. But once Hailey Arrived, no job in the world would ever have me wanting to leave her.
ReplyDeleteDH does not want her in day care either, so we compromised. I took a "per diem" position which allows me to create my own work schedule in order to schedule the days around when he is working. That way one of us is always home with her. There will be 1-2 days per month that MIL with watch her. I was NOT comfortable with this situation one bit. But I just did not have a choice, I had to go back to work. The first 2 weeks I thought I was going to kill someone because things were not being done the way I would do them. But I would walk inthe door and DD would have the biggest smile on her face.
It's gotten much better now. I only work 1-2 days/week and it seems to work out just fine. Even though I still want more than anything to be home with her. It's really hard to bring that up with DH too. Because I don't want him making me feel like crap about it all. He is jealous that he works more than I do and that I get to stay home with her. If I were to tell him I wanted to quite altogether it wouldn't be pretty.
I am so insanely jealous of those women out there with DH's that tell them they want them to be a SAHM. My DH is a total jerk about it. He already makes comments like "Well SOMEONE has to work" or "What did you do all day, not working that's for sure."
Today was the last straw when he said that, after I've been having a really bad pain in my left side and might need surgery. He is at work now, but I hope he thinks long and hard about what a jerk he is being and apologizes when he comes home. He has no idea how much I do while he is gone. If he were in pain like this his a** would be whining all day and parked in front of the XBox.
Don't get me wrong, we have a great marriage and I love him to death. But when it comes to me not working, he is a complete jerk about it. We will be sitting down and having a very long talk about this soon. Because should another LO come along, I'm not going to continue working.
I don't really know where he gets this all from. His dad is very old fashioned and told his mom to quit working when she was 7 months pregnant. That he wanted her to be home and be a housewife and take care of everything in the house while he did the "manly" bread winning thing. DH wants that too. He would always ask me when my next day off would be, yet still complain when I wasn't working as much. I don't think he really knows what he wants.
Sorry, my reply kind of turned into a vent too. But just know you aren't alone in this struggle. It seems as though your DH would be more understanding than mine. I would just show him some calculations on how much day care costs and how little you will really be bringing home in the long run. I think cutting a loss of $200 would be worth being home to raise your child the way you see fit. If you can't say the words. Write them or type them in an e-mail.
GL!
I know exactly how you feel - I cry every time I think about having to go back to work and leaving Kieran with someone else. My mom has offered to watch him - she's fantastic with him and she would be a great babysitter, but she's not *me*, you know?
ReplyDeleteI would show him this blog post - it says everything you want to say but can't! He might surprise you.
Good luck hun!
It's hard thinking about going back to work - I know I will, but I can't imagine how difficult it will be to have to leave Dylan with someone else. I'm just thankful that I can take the full year of mat leave, and didn't have to go back at 3 or 4 months, like so many have to.
ReplyDeleteGood luck talking to your husband. It's understandably hard to bring it up, but you'll feel so much better once you do, just to get it off your chest and get you and your husband on the same page. I agree with the PP - he may surprise you!