Just wanted to post a quick update to say that I talked to Chris and although it didn't go as I'd hoped, it didn't go as bad as I thought it would, either. Unfortunately he doesn't seem too open to the idea but at first seemed like he was willing to consider it. He said we could sit down and discuss finances later in the summer and I was okay with that.. but then he has twice since then mentioned me going back to work. I don't even want to think about it because it makes me so upset so I guess we'll just talk about it again later in the summer.
sigh
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Friday, March 12, 2010
Big Fat FAIL.
*sigh*
For days now I have been trying to figure out a way to approach the subject of being a Stay at Home Mom to Chris. For days I've been chickening out. Not only do I not know how to bring it up, but I'm pretty sure that he'll say no.
I tried really hard to bring it up tonight at supper. Really hard. I got as far as saying I really felt strongly about not putting Silas into daycare but then I just couldn't spit out the words that I really wanted to say.
I hate this. Why can't I just say what I want to say? Because I think it won't go the way I want it to. And I know that if it doesn't I'm going to be really upset.. really upset.
I just don't want to go back to work. I just don't want to leave Silas with anyone on a daily basis. It may seem stupid, it may seem selfish, it may even seem overbearing or over protective, but it's the truth. I'm his mother. I should be the one to take care of him.
I get really anxious when I think about going back to work. So anxious that I feel sick. Sometimes when I know I'm alone or can't be heard I'll cry over it. I always thought I'd be okay with going back to work, but that was before he was here. I never could have predicted I'd feel so strongly about it but I do.
I feel like he's too young to be in day care. He can't talk. If something were to happen to him - if he were to be abused, left alone or mistreated - he wouldn't be able to tell us.
Not to mention the cost. I work 25 hours a week, by the time I paid for daycare which would be pretty pricy because he's in diapers, I'd have like $200 left each paycheque. Barely enough to cover a couple of bills.
Then there is the option of my mother watching him.. And yeah, at this point this is probably my best and maybe my only option but.. this may sound horrible.. but I feel like she's not good enough to watch him.
I know what will happen if she watches him. I know she won't spend much time interacting with him. He will probably spend a lot of time in front of the television. I'm not okay with this.
I would want her to read to him, play with him, color with him, take him for walks, talk to him, etc. I know she won't do much of this. Not to mention her health isn't the greatest and I don't think she's got the energy or the stamina to run after him once he starts walking.
And that's not just a stab at my mother.. I just don't want to leave him with anyone. I don't think anyone can do the job as good as I can do it. And I also know that no one will do it the way I want it done.
It all just sucks. When I have to go back to work I'll miss out on so much.I have to work 3 weekends a month. There goes family time with our son. Every time we are invited anywhere, say Chris' parents trailer for the day, Chris and Silas will have to go without me. By the time I get off of work at 6:30 and get out there (or even just get home on a normal day or weekend) Silas will be sleeping or about to go to bed for the night.
Add in of course that I also have to work every holiday. I already got denied Christmas off this year and it was the only vacation I asked for. Sigh.
I would only stay home until Silas is in school. Ideally I'd take a nightschool or correspondance course to get the Accounting credit that I'm missing and then get a job as a receptionist somewhere when Silas is gone all day..
I know that deep down these are valid arguments, but ugh. I just feel so sick about this.
I also feel like, is it fair to even ask him for this? Is it fair to ask him to be the sole bread winner for our family until Silas goes to school? Of course if anything were to happen I'd go back to work, but is it enough?
Is it enough if I give up the things that I have to help save us money? I would give up my car.. we could sell it. That would be an extra couple hundred a month extra when you take away insurance & gas.. I would give up the internet (I pay for this, I would give up my cell phone.. I would give up my Sattelite..
I'd give up anything necessary to make this work. But would it be enough to convince him to try?
I just don't know.. I just don't think so. It makes me so sad to think that he'll say no. Maybe he won't. I honestly can't say for sure what he'd do. I don't want to give him the short end of the stick here. He has always been supportive of me no matter what I have done in whatever circumstance. I think it's just my fear talking. He's definately full of suprises and always has been..
I just need the courage and I can't seem to find it. :( I guess I have until the end of October to bring it up. Maybe before then I can gain some guts.
But for tonight, my attempt was a big, fat, FAIL. :(
For days now I have been trying to figure out a way to approach the subject of being a Stay at Home Mom to Chris. For days I've been chickening out. Not only do I not know how to bring it up, but I'm pretty sure that he'll say no.
I tried really hard to bring it up tonight at supper. Really hard. I got as far as saying I really felt strongly about not putting Silas into daycare but then I just couldn't spit out the words that I really wanted to say.
I hate this. Why can't I just say what I want to say? Because I think it won't go the way I want it to. And I know that if it doesn't I'm going to be really upset.. really upset.
I just don't want to go back to work. I just don't want to leave Silas with anyone on a daily basis. It may seem stupid, it may seem selfish, it may even seem overbearing or over protective, but it's the truth. I'm his mother. I should be the one to take care of him.
I get really anxious when I think about going back to work. So anxious that I feel sick. Sometimes when I know I'm alone or can't be heard I'll cry over it. I always thought I'd be okay with going back to work, but that was before he was here. I never could have predicted I'd feel so strongly about it but I do.
I feel like he's too young to be in day care. He can't talk. If something were to happen to him - if he were to be abused, left alone or mistreated - he wouldn't be able to tell us.
Not to mention the cost. I work 25 hours a week, by the time I paid for daycare which would be pretty pricy because he's in diapers, I'd have like $200 left each paycheque. Barely enough to cover a couple of bills.
Then there is the option of my mother watching him.. And yeah, at this point this is probably my best and maybe my only option but.. this may sound horrible.. but I feel like she's not good enough to watch him.
I know what will happen if she watches him. I know she won't spend much time interacting with him. He will probably spend a lot of time in front of the television. I'm not okay with this.
I would want her to read to him, play with him, color with him, take him for walks, talk to him, etc. I know she won't do much of this. Not to mention her health isn't the greatest and I don't think she's got the energy or the stamina to run after him once he starts walking.
And that's not just a stab at my mother.. I just don't want to leave him with anyone. I don't think anyone can do the job as good as I can do it. And I also know that no one will do it the way I want it done.
It all just sucks. When I have to go back to work I'll miss out on so much.I have to work 3 weekends a month. There goes family time with our son. Every time we are invited anywhere, say Chris' parents trailer for the day, Chris and Silas will have to go without me. By the time I get off of work at 6:30 and get out there (or even just get home on a normal day or weekend) Silas will be sleeping or about to go to bed for the night.
Add in of course that I also have to work every holiday. I already got denied Christmas off this year and it was the only vacation I asked for. Sigh.
I would only stay home until Silas is in school. Ideally I'd take a nightschool or correspondance course to get the Accounting credit that I'm missing and then get a job as a receptionist somewhere when Silas is gone all day..
I know that deep down these are valid arguments, but ugh. I just feel so sick about this.
I also feel like, is it fair to even ask him for this? Is it fair to ask him to be the sole bread winner for our family until Silas goes to school? Of course if anything were to happen I'd go back to work, but is it enough?
Is it enough if I give up the things that I have to help save us money? I would give up my car.. we could sell it. That would be an extra couple hundred a month extra when you take away insurance & gas.. I would give up the internet (I pay for this, I would give up my cell phone.. I would give up my Sattelite..
I'd give up anything necessary to make this work. But would it be enough to convince him to try?
I just don't know.. I just don't think so. It makes me so sad to think that he'll say no. Maybe he won't. I honestly can't say for sure what he'd do. I don't want to give him the short end of the stick here. He has always been supportive of me no matter what I have done in whatever circumstance. I think it's just my fear talking. He's definately full of suprises and always has been..
I just need the courage and I can't seem to find it. :( I guess I have until the end of October to bring it up. Maybe before then I can gain some guts.
But for tonight, my attempt was a big, fat, FAIL. :(
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Crazy little thing called love
Sometimes when I hold Silas, I look at him and get overwhelmed with feelings. I never knew that I could love another human in the capacity in which I love him. I never even knew this kind of love existed.
I used to say that I loved my neices and nephews like my own children. Now that I have one of my own I can say that while I love them a lot, I don't love them like my own. Very very close, but it's just not the same.
It's pretty crazy that this kind of love exists, and exists within me.
And then there's my husband. If I haven't mentioned before how amazing he is, I should do it now. He is truly the kindest, most wonderful man I've ever known aside from my father. Not only do I consider myself blessed to be married to him, I more so consider myself lucky that he even loves me. I don't think I'll ever believe that I deserve to be treated as well as he treats me, and that's the honest truth.
The love I have for him is ridiculous to say the least. Growing up I used to say that I didn't NEED someone in my life. That love was just having someone to enhance your life and make it better. SOOO untrue. I cannot imagine a single minute without Chris in my life. He's not just my husband and my lover, but he's my best friend and my soul mate.
Before Silas was born I used to think my heart was full. I loved Chris and our life so much I wondered if I could fit in more love for someone else. And then November 20th 2009 happened. The love a human can give is an amazingly wonderous thing.
Every time I think I can't fit in more love, Silas will smile or laugh at me. He'll cuddle into me, fall asleep on me, touch my face with his hand, or hold my finger. And each time he does these things, my heart grows more.
What else do I need in this life? I got to marry my best friend and I have an amazing little boy who's all mine. If I have nothing else it's okay with me. All I need is this crazy little thing we call love :)
I used to say that I loved my neices and nephews like my own children. Now that I have one of my own I can say that while I love them a lot, I don't love them like my own. Very very close, but it's just not the same.
It's pretty crazy that this kind of love exists, and exists within me.
And then there's my husband. If I haven't mentioned before how amazing he is, I should do it now. He is truly the kindest, most wonderful man I've ever known aside from my father. Not only do I consider myself blessed to be married to him, I more so consider myself lucky that he even loves me. I don't think I'll ever believe that I deserve to be treated as well as he treats me, and that's the honest truth.
The love I have for him is ridiculous to say the least. Growing up I used to say that I didn't NEED someone in my life. That love was just having someone to enhance your life and make it better. SOOO untrue. I cannot imagine a single minute without Chris in my life. He's not just my husband and my lover, but he's my best friend and my soul mate.
Before Silas was born I used to think my heart was full. I loved Chris and our life so much I wondered if I could fit in more love for someone else. And then November 20th 2009 happened. The love a human can give is an amazingly wonderous thing.
Every time I think I can't fit in more love, Silas will smile or laugh at me. He'll cuddle into me, fall asleep on me, touch my face with his hand, or hold my finger. And each time he does these things, my heart grows more.
What else do I need in this life? I got to marry my best friend and I have an amazing little boy who's all mine. If I have nothing else it's okay with me. All I need is this crazy little thing we call love :)
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