Some history

I never really had any feelings about November. Truth be told, I was kind of neutral about it. In fact, I kind of disliked the middle of November because that's my step fathers birthday and he's kind of a tool. That however is a story for another day.

When I found out that I was pregnant in late March of 2009, it was a really surreal day for me. It had been an emotional year of trying to get pregnant during which time I had a early miscarriage in October. When I saw those two lines on the pregnancy test I was cautiously optimistic for a long time to say the least. But all went well (obviously). My due date was November 22nd, 2009. I felt like that would be the longest year of my life. WRONG!! In fact the year flew by, even with a few pregnancy issues that I don't really need to talk about cause it all worked out.

And then on a very cold November 20th at 9:47pm my precious son was born. Silas weighed 7lbs 8oz and came out with red hair screaming like a banchee. He was the cutest thing I had ever seen, but truth be told I didn't feel that "mom & child" connection with him right away. Maybe it was because I was "team green" and didn't find out the sex until birth, maybe it was because I was positive that he was a girl and he wasn't, or maybe it was just one of those natural things that happen sometimes. Either way, even though I knew I loved him, I didn't feel bonded to him.

The night Silas was born my husbands and my life was changed forever. The first couple of weeks were really, really tough. Silas cried. A LOT. He just wasn't a happy baby. There was no rhyme or reason for it. He just cried. A lot of times I was at my wits end. I cried too. One time my husband (henceforth known as Chris) came into the bedroom to find me a sobbing mess while holding our son. I looked at him and said "I just don't think he likes me". It was seriously the saddest moment of new motherhood I have experienced to date. Chris came to me and held me. He tried to console me but it was difficult when Silas was crying.. again. I had never felt so low, so depressed and so down.

In that moment, I wasn't sure if I'd ever really love November.

But, the weeks passed and at about 2 months old Silas turned into a completely different baby. He is smiley, happy, and a joy to be around. I love to play with him and hold him and cuddle him endlessly. I love to rock him to sleep and sing to him. I love to hear him laugh and see him smile at me. I love how when I walk into his room in the morning he seems so thrilled to see me there.

In short, I love to love him.

The moment when we bonded happened at some point. I don't know when it was, and I don't know what made it happen. To be honest I don't care. I don't even really remember when I realized it had happened. All I know is that I can't imagine my life without him. I can't imagine a minute without him. I can't imagine him not being a 'him'. I just feel like I waited my whole life for this moment in time. Like my entire life has just been building up to be Silas' mother. And I'm totally okay with that.

If I do nothing else in this lifetime, it's okay with me. As long as I get to be his mom for another day and then a day after that too.

So, I may never have really had feelings for November. I may have even dreaded the middle of it. But now I can sit here and tell you that I kind of like November. I kind of even like the middle of it. Okay.. I probably even love it.

and every day that passes is another day when I see my little boy grow and I fall in love with November just a little bit more.

Each new entry will be more of my journey. I hope you join me on my path to motherhood.

Maybe even you will end up falling in love with November.... :)