life as a one-legged mama...

So, as I'm sure most of my readers know, I broke my ankle last week. It was pretty bad, I broke it in 3 places and dislocated it too. I needed to have surgery to have things repaired, and I'm back home again. And Don't worry, I wasn't holding Silas when I fell, THANK GOODNESS. But, now I'm in a cast, have to use a walker to get around and am not able to do any weight bearing on my bad foot and it looks like I'll be this way for about 3 months.

hard enough on it's own.. let's toss in a very mobile 8 month old.

It's been difficult to say the least. Family has been coming every day, and are lined up to come for the rest of the week. Chris took the week as vacation to be home as well, and starting Monday next week my mother will be coming full time to help take care of Silas while Chris is at work.

Heh.. You know.. I say "help" take care of Silas. Well let's be real. She'll be pretty much doing everything. I can't chase him, carry him, get him from his crib or change him (unless I'm in bed). Hell, I can only play with him when he's sitting on my lap on the sofa, or if he's in his highchair. (and even then, I have to sit on a chair in front of him with my foot up)

I get so frustrated. This is not how I wanted to spend the end of my maternity leave. This is not how I want to take care of my son. I feel so useless as a mother a lot of the time, and I hate feeling this way.

Chris has been wonderful through it all. He has picked up almost all the slack that he can, but he also understands that I need to feel important and also like I'm taking care of my baby somehow. He's pulled out an ottoman and put it in the kitchen, so I can sit on a chair with my foot up and at least feed Silas at breakfast lunch and supper. I've also been feeding Silas his bed time bottles in the glider and then just calling chris over the baby monitor to lay him in the crib when I'm done. It may seem silly to some but I need to do it.

I'm also so very thankful for friends and family. Everyone has been so supportive and helpful during this time, I don't know what I would have done if they weren't so close by. We would have seriously been screwed otherwise and that's not even a joke.

Oh and there is another upside to this whole crappy situation.. when I broke my ankle and left Silas with my sister for 3 days while I was in the hospital, it really helped with his separation anxiety!! I don't want to say it's fully gone, but there has been huge improvements so breaking my ankle wasn't all bad I suppose.

Anyway, that's all for now. Time to hobble myself to bed. Write soon.

Baby-frickin-radar

What's the deal with babies and their radar? How does Silas always seem to know exactly when I'm ready to fall asleep for the night, sitting down to have a quiet moment outside with a cool drink, have my hands inside the toilet cleaning it, or sitting at the computer to check my email.

I often wonder if I send out some sort of mental vibe to him or something.

The nights are the worst. He's always been a good sleeper. I attribute that to starting him on a bedtime routine at exactly 4 weeks. He now goes to bed at 7 and sleeps until 7 the next day. So I can't complain too much, EXCEPT..

we have gotten into this routine of what I like to refer to as pacifier HELL. He randomly spits out his paci and cries for it, or wakes in the night, realizes he doesn't have it and cries for it. (This is obviously a topic for another day, but just for the record I'm weening him off of it as we speak)

Anyway, as I was saying. Just when I go to bed almost every single night, at the exact moment when I'm fully relaxed and closing my eyes as I fall asleep, boom. He wakes up wanting that stupid paci.

How does he know? I used to think it was a coincidence. Now, not so much. He is almost 7 months old and has had perfect precise timing ever since he was born. There has to be more to it.

I wonder if we're connected in some weird way. If I send him some sort of sub conscious messages that make him wake up or want me. I don't know, maybe I'm crazy but it just doesn't make any sense!!

It's not just when he's sleeping, either. He can be happily playing with toys in the playpen or jumping around in the jumperoo and I think "I'm just going to run to the bathroom" and the moment I sit down, he cries. I can sit here staring at him for 20 minutes while he plays (or even for longer) and he wants nothing to do with me! the moment I get busy with something he does.

I'm not sure what it is, but sometimes it's really frustrating. Maybe it's just the lack of sleep talking. I look forward to the days when we finally completely ween him from that stupid soother and he sleeps consistantly without waking again. Mama's tired!

of course, if I just went to 7 when he does I'd get some great sleep even with the wakeups. but then I'd have no time to myself and who wants that? it's much easier to just complain.

And in closing, to further prove my point, he's woken up twice while I wrote this. coincidence? hmmmmm?

an Update to Big, Fat, FAIL

Just wanted to post a quick update to say that I talked to Chris and although it didn't go as I'd hoped, it didn't go as bad as I thought it would, either. Unfortunately he doesn't seem too open to the idea but at first seemed like he was willing to consider it. He said we could sit down and discuss finances later in the summer and I was okay with that.. but then he has twice since then mentioned me going back to work. I don't even want to think about it because it makes me so upset so I guess we'll just talk about it again later in the summer.

sigh

Big Fat FAIL.

*sigh*

For days now I have been trying to figure out a way to approach the subject of being a Stay at Home Mom to Chris. For days I've been chickening out. Not only do I not know how to bring it up, but I'm pretty sure that he'll say no.

I tried really hard to bring it up tonight at supper. Really hard. I got as far as saying I really felt strongly about not putting Silas into daycare but then I just couldn't spit out the words that I really wanted to say.

I hate this. Why can't I just say what I want to say? Because I think it won't go the way I want it to. And I know that if it doesn't I'm going to be really upset.. really upset.

I just don't want to go back to work. I just don't want to leave Silas with anyone on a daily basis. It may seem stupid, it may seem selfish, it may even seem overbearing or over protective, but it's the truth. I'm his mother. I should be the one to take care of him.

I get really anxious when I think about going back to work. So anxious that I feel sick. Sometimes when I know I'm alone or can't be heard I'll cry over it. I always thought I'd be okay with going back to work, but that was before he was here. I never could have predicted I'd feel so strongly about it but I do.

I feel like he's too young to be in day care. He can't talk. If something were to happen to him - if he were to be abused, left alone or mistreated - he wouldn't be able to tell us.

Not to mention the cost. I work 25 hours a week, by the time I paid for daycare which would be pretty pricy because he's in diapers, I'd have like $200 left each paycheque. Barely enough to cover a couple of bills.

Then there is the option of my mother watching him.. And yeah, at this point this is probably my best and maybe my only option but.. this may sound horrible.. but I feel like she's not good enough to watch him.

I know what will happen if she watches him. I know she won't spend much time interacting with him. He will probably spend a lot of time in front of the television. I'm not okay with this.

I would want her to read to him, play with him, color with him, take him for walks, talk to him, etc. I know she won't do much of this. Not to mention her health isn't the greatest and I don't think she's got the energy or the stamina to run after him once he starts walking.

And that's not just a stab at my mother.. I just don't want to leave him with anyone. I don't think anyone can do the job as good as I can do it. And I also know that no one will do it the way I want it done.

It all just sucks. When I have to go back to work I'll miss out on so much.I have to work 3 weekends a month. There goes family time with our son. Every time we are invited anywhere, say Chris' parents trailer for the day, Chris and Silas will have to go without me. By the time I get off of work at 6:30 and get out there (or even just get home on a normal day or weekend) Silas will be sleeping or about to go to bed for the night.

Add in of course that I also have to work every holiday. I already got denied Christmas off this year and it was the only vacation I asked for. Sigh.

I would only stay home until Silas is in school. Ideally I'd take a nightschool or correspondance course to get the Accounting credit that I'm missing and then get a job as a receptionist somewhere when Silas is gone all day..

I know that deep down these are valid arguments, but ugh. I just feel so sick about this.

I also feel like, is it fair to even ask him for this? Is it fair to ask him to be the sole bread winner for our family until Silas goes to school? Of course if anything were to happen I'd go back to work, but is it enough?

Is it enough if I give up the things that I have to help save us money? I would give up my car.. we could sell it. That would be an extra couple hundred a month extra when you take away insurance & gas.. I would give up the internet (I pay for this, I would give up my cell phone.. I would give up my Sattelite..

I'd give up anything necessary to make this work. But would it be enough to convince him to try?

I just don't know.. I just don't think so. It makes me so sad to think that he'll say no. Maybe he won't. I honestly can't say for sure what he'd do. I don't want to give him the short end of the stick here. He has always been supportive of me no matter what I have done in whatever circumstance. I think it's just my fear talking. He's definately full of suprises and always has been..

I just need the courage and I can't seem to find it. :( I guess I have until the end of October to bring it up. Maybe before then I can gain some guts.

But for tonight, my attempt was a big, fat, FAIL. :(

Crazy little thing called love

Sometimes when I hold Silas, I look at him and get overwhelmed with feelings. I never knew that I could love another human in the capacity in which I love him. I never even knew this kind of love existed.
I used to say that I loved my neices and nephews like my own children. Now that I have one of my own I can say that while I love them a lot, I don't love them like my own. Very very close, but it's just not the same.
It's pretty crazy that this kind of love exists, and exists within me.

And then there's my husband. If I haven't mentioned before how amazing he is, I should do it now. He is truly the kindest, most wonderful man I've ever known aside from my father. Not only do I consider myself blessed to be married to him, I more so consider myself lucky that he even loves me. I don't think I'll ever believe that I deserve to be treated as well as he treats me, and that's the honest truth.

The love I have for him is ridiculous to say the least. Growing up I used to say that I didn't NEED someone in my life. That love was just having someone to enhance your life and make it better. SOOO untrue. I cannot imagine a single minute without Chris in my life. He's not just my husband and my lover, but he's my best friend and my soul mate.

Before Silas was born I used to think my heart was full. I loved Chris and our life so much I wondered if I could fit in more love for someone else. And then November 20th 2009 happened. The love a human can give is an amazingly wonderous thing.

Every time I think I can't fit in more love, Silas will smile or laugh at me. He'll cuddle into me, fall asleep on me, touch my face with his hand, or hold my finger. And each time he does these things, my heart grows more.

What else do I need in this life? I got to marry my best friend and I have an amazing little boy who's all mine. If I have nothing else it's okay with me. All I need is this crazy little thing we call love :)

Nothing for granted

This week I have had a few eye opening reminders that life is just too short. It's scary to think that you can be walking around one minute and literally dead the next.
A Co-Worker of mine was hit by a bus the other night. She was walking within the cross walk just like she should have. The bus turned the corner and hit her in the intersection. She was on life support for just over a day before her family decided to disconnect and donate her organs. It's what she would have wanted.

When I heard this I was so upset. Not because we were overly close, because we weren't. But because of how it happened. How can you go from here one minute to gone the next? How can you do the right thing by crossing in the crosswalk and still get hit by a bus? Not even hit by a car, but A FREAKING BUS. It's effing ridiculous. Her poor family. I just don't even know how they are dealing with it.

And then yesterday morning my sister called.. She was in tears saying she was in so much pain she needed to go to the hospital. Problem is, she's got 3 kids and her hubby was out of town working. We tried to get a hold of my other sister, her inlaws, no body was around. I live a city over so I packed up Silas and headed out that way. After a couple of hours of being there we finally got a hold of our other sister who came and took her to the hospital.
by the time she was home with her medicine and doing well enough that I could leave, it had begun to snow pretty heavily. I had to get home though, I had only brought a couple of bottles for Silas and I was already out.

Anyway, when I was almost home I came very close to getting into an accident. The woman in front of me braked really hard and I had to break to avoid a collision. But the roads were so slippery that my car went skidding. I had to steer to avoid hitting the woman in front of me, and also to avoid going into oncoming traffic. Both of which I succeeded at. But my car still spun a little bit out of control. When it was finally slow enough that I felt I could break effectively, I brought my car to a stop. I ended up being sideways in the middle of the road.

All I could think of during this was "oh my god, Silas is in the back seat" I was so worried that something horrible would happen to him. Luckily for us, we were both fine. a few factors really kept us safe I think. 1, because I was only doing 40 in a 60 zone and 2, because thankfully there was no one behind me.

I didn't have time to pull myself together, cars were coming. I had to back up and get the heck out of the middle of the road. When I got home I called Chris. I just needed to hear his voice. The sound of his voice always has a calming effect on me. I was so scared. It was the first real "close call" that I've ever had while driving and I didn't like it. Not one bit.

But it sure did remind me to take nothing and no one for granted. Im giving my baby extra cuddles, and my man too. I'm making sure I tell them I love them reguarly because you just never know. I'm not ready to leave this world yet, but what I've learned this week is that with some things you just don't have a say.

I may not be able to control whether or not a bus kills me, but I can make sure that if one does that my family knows how much I loved them.

Enjoy every moment. you never know which one will be your last

Some history

I never really had any feelings about November. Truth be told, I was kind of neutral about it. In fact, I kind of disliked the middle of November because that's my step fathers birthday and he's kind of a tool. That however is a story for another day.

When I found out that I was pregnant in late March of 2009, it was a really surreal day for me. It had been an emotional year of trying to get pregnant during which time I had a early miscarriage in October. When I saw those two lines on the pregnancy test I was cautiously optimistic for a long time to say the least. But all went well (obviously). My due date was November 22nd, 2009. I felt like that would be the longest year of my life. WRONG!! In fact the year flew by, even with a few pregnancy issues that I don't really need to talk about cause it all worked out.

And then on a very cold November 20th at 9:47pm my precious son was born. Silas weighed 7lbs 8oz and came out with red hair screaming like a banchee. He was the cutest thing I had ever seen, but truth be told I didn't feel that "mom & child" connection with him right away. Maybe it was because I was "team green" and didn't find out the sex until birth, maybe it was because I was positive that he was a girl and he wasn't, or maybe it was just one of those natural things that happen sometimes. Either way, even though I knew I loved him, I didn't feel bonded to him.

The night Silas was born my husbands and my life was changed forever. The first couple of weeks were really, really tough. Silas cried. A LOT. He just wasn't a happy baby. There was no rhyme or reason for it. He just cried. A lot of times I was at my wits end. I cried too. One time my husband (henceforth known as Chris) came into the bedroom to find me a sobbing mess while holding our son. I looked at him and said "I just don't think he likes me". It was seriously the saddest moment of new motherhood I have experienced to date. Chris came to me and held me. He tried to console me but it was difficult when Silas was crying.. again. I had never felt so low, so depressed and so down.

In that moment, I wasn't sure if I'd ever really love November.

But, the weeks passed and at about 2 months old Silas turned into a completely different baby. He is smiley, happy, and a joy to be around. I love to play with him and hold him and cuddle him endlessly. I love to rock him to sleep and sing to him. I love to hear him laugh and see him smile at me. I love how when I walk into his room in the morning he seems so thrilled to see me there.

In short, I love to love him.

The moment when we bonded happened at some point. I don't know when it was, and I don't know what made it happen. To be honest I don't care. I don't even really remember when I realized it had happened. All I know is that I can't imagine my life without him. I can't imagine a minute without him. I can't imagine him not being a 'him'. I just feel like I waited my whole life for this moment in time. Like my entire life has just been building up to be Silas' mother. And I'm totally okay with that.

If I do nothing else in this lifetime, it's okay with me. As long as I get to be his mom for another day and then a day after that too.

So, I may never have really had feelings for November. I may have even dreaded the middle of it. But now I can sit here and tell you that I kind of like November. I kind of even like the middle of it. Okay.. I probably even love it.

and every day that passes is another day when I see my little boy grow and I fall in love with November just a little bit more.

Each new entry will be more of my journey. I hope you join me on my path to motherhood.

Maybe even you will end up falling in love with November.... :)